J “Pee” Flowz Sunday Funny

Sometimes I just trip myself out. On this particular day it went a little something like this. It was the Sunday before the upcoming Get Lean Challenge. Since the GLC is about making a commitment to eating healthier, I felt obligated to get my goolosh (GLC talk for unhealthy foods) on and… “grub so hard!” So I decide to start the day with a hint of Biscuitville. A respectable portion of french toast sticks, a ham biscuit, and little coffee to keep me from passing out. I don’t eat like that too often these days but I tell you what, it was scrumptious! Looking back on this Funny Sunday, I should have known it was going to be a whacky day! Check this out. In order to get my Biscuitville goolosh goodness, I had to meet my wife in the parking lot of Jim’s Tasty Freeze! I suppose you could say I likes to take my time in the mornings, which typically means I am late. CA (my wife) was kind enough to leave early, grab breakfast, and meet me. Ladies take notes. This is next level stuff. Breakfast in bed is for rookies! Step ya game up and break him off with some parking lot breakfast deliveries! 🙂

Jim's Tasty Freeze
Jim’s Tasty Freeze

Of course CA had to wait for me at Jim’s Tasty Freeze. Once I finally arrived she passed me the grub and rolled out. I took a few minutes to get prepared to grub, drive, and sip on my coffee. Eventually I arrived at church and slid in late as usual-ish. Coffee in hand and water bottle in my hoodie pocket. Yes, I rock a hoodie to church. Maybe because I get cold. Maybe because I am a Sunday morning thug. Maybe some combination of the two. Either way, church should help me out right? Right. 🙂 Now comes the foolishness. We are coming up on the end of service. Pastor Tadd has been talking about Christians dealing with sin. He talks about all sorts of things and of course sexual references are being made. Well about this time, I start feeling this weird tingly feeling “in the Netherlands”, if you crotch, I mean catch, my drift. I won’t lie. I start freaking out a little bit! This crazy brain of mine starts firing erratic thoughts… “What in the world is going on?”, “Is God trying to tell me something?”, “What in the world have I been doing wrong?”, “Whatever it is God, if you spare me, I will fix it!!!” As I am sitting and trying to control the out in my freaking, I find the service getting deeper and deeper. More and more talks about improper sexual relationships! As the talking continues, the tingle mingle in the Netherlands is getting more hype! Ya boy is trippin’ now, trying so very hard to play it off… praying I have a direct line to God and he is forgiving me for whatever it is I did!! FINALLY the band takes the stage and everyone stands up. Once I am up on my feet, I realize what is going on! Turns out the lid to my hoodie water wasn’t screwed on tight and that nice cold water had leaked through my jeans and flooded the Netherlands! Folks you have never seen a grown man so happy to have a wet crotch!!! I excitedly turn to CA to point out the flooded region. Thinking back on this, this may not have been a good look for church, but hey we are married! 🙂 CA is unimpressed as usual. She gives me her standard head shake, smile, and giggle. She’s seen this brand of foolery too many times to be too surprised.

Loving Me Some Micky D's. Keep reading to see why.
Loving Me Some Micky D’s. Keep reading to see why.

Now the story gets even a little more foolish. I have to volunteer with the kiddos after the service so now I have a decision to make! My first thought was to ride it out and handle the ridicule from the youngsters, but the look on CA’s face when I offered that suggestion was a clear sign I needed to call an audible! We go back and forth a little but, trying to figure out a plan B. She asks about hand dryers in the bathrooms at church, which don’t exists BUT that lead me to the perfect plan! As a former full time fast food eater and parent of kids who used to enjoy smashing happy meals, I learned a very important fact! McDonalds bathrooms almost always have an air hand dryer and it just so happens there is a Micky D’s a right down the road from our church. So off I go. As I exit the church, I use my hoodie to hide the centrally placed wetness. When I get to Micky D’s, I park on the restroom side and slide in seemingly undetected. Just as I suspected, air hand dryer is in place. So I go to work. I am in front of the dryer for at least 15 minutes. I even drop the wifey a “Oh. This is kind of nice. :-)” text. A nice warm breeze through the Netherlands over and over and over again. Fellas you know how sometimes the sink area is wet when you go to wash your hands, well you might just want to give this a try the next time THAT happens! As I said, I am there for at least 15 minutes and only one person comes in. He washed his hands and left without drying them. I didn’t take it personally. That’s probably just how he rolls. Eventually I put in enough work for dry lands prevail and I head back to church. After it was all said and done, I made it back to church, hung out with the kiddos, listened to a few jokes from the in laws, and rolled out with a special appreciation for the AM fall breeze in the Netherlands!

-JP

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